Healing with Sexual
Energy
SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
By Walter Last
Presently a large number of marriages ends in divorce, often already
after a very short time. Informal relationships are even more fragile. While
this is a rather recent phenomenon, the underlying reason has always been
there. In previous centuries marriages simply were held together by social
pressure and an inability to get a divorce.
The underlying reasons that drive relationships apart are rooted in the
hormonal characteristics of our sexual relationships. In evolutionary terms we
are conditioned to spread our genes as widely as possible, and provide a safe
environment for raising our offspring. This means we are programmed to meet,
fall in love, mate to conceive a child, and after some time to meet another
lover and repeat this procedure.
Females are attracted sexually to
handsome men, but often choose mates based on resources and parenting potential, and males try to spread their genes
by being strongly attracted to any (fertile) female with genetically desirable
features.
This evolutionary pattern comes to a head after pregnancy when the woman
maintains high prolactin levels during breastfeeding, and instead of maintaining
a loving oxytocin connection with her partner, she now has switched her
oxytocin bonding to the baby. In this situation sex is hormonally undesirable,
and any orgasmic sex leads to further hormonal and emotional instability.
Therefore, what happens presently in our society is perfectly normal in
evolutionary terms. The main problem is just the unacceptable amount of
emotional distress and social upheaval that it causes. Other casualties are our
health and wellbeing, which are greatly enhanced by harmonious long-term
relationships.
Initially we were bonded together by falling in love through a generous
release of oxytocin and enjoyed the exciting peaks of dopamine release during
our sexual encounters. Gradually the oxytocin glow faded and we began to fall
out of love, and it also became more difficult to maintain an exciting sex
life.
Instead of enjoying dopamine peaks, increasingly we now have to cope with the dopamine lows after our routine sexual encounters. We begin to see all the faults in our partner that were previously covered by high oxytocin levels (from frequent physical contact without unpleasant subconscious associations). As these dopamine lows may last for up to two weeks this causes considerable strain on a relationship.
During this time we tend towards increasing irritability, nagging,
resentment, frustration, blaming each other and similar negative emotions as an
expression of a biological hangover. Depending on our emotional makeup we may
now develop a subconscious desire to separate, and many couples do just that.
Over time couples start losing interest in sex and withdraw emotionally, or
they may try to shift their emotional involvement to other common interests and
in this way may be able to maintain a satisfying relationship.
Still others try maintaining peak dopamine experiences by exploring all
the different sexual positions, or start swapping partners, or becoming
interested in a new partner. Dopamine peaks can also be maintained by becoming
addicted to something, it does not really matter to what. This may be legal or
illegal drugs, games, racing and betting, chocolate, or frequently finding a
different sexual partner. Apart from causing long-term stress-related and other
health problems, addictions also have a host of unpleasant side effects on our
capacity for intimacy.
Beyond Orgasm
With the present structure of our society it is
obviously an advantage to form stable cooperative sexual relationships for the
benefit of the children and also for the emotional wellbeing of the parents. As
this objective is contrary to our evolutionary neurochemical conditioning, we
need to find ways to outsmart the hormonal changes that drive us apart.
In hormonal terms we need to maximize oxytocin
production and avoid the dopamine rollercoaster. Apart from occasional
procreating activities, all of this could be done within a loving platonic
relationship. However, there is a biological catch: To maintain a strong and
healthy body we also need to maintain a strong production of sex hormones. This
hormone production is best maintained by sexual feelings. As with muscle
activity, it is best to use it or we may lose it.
This leads us to two remaining questions: “Can sexual
activity without orgasm be satisfying?” and “Is orgasm needed to stimulate our
sexual glands and maintain the health of our sexual organs?” These questions
cannot be confidently answered from theoretical considerations, but fortunately
we have already a wealth of practical experience in this regard.
KAREZZA
Karezza and the related practice of White Tantra are
one answer to non-orgasmic sex. "White Tantra" was promoted by Samael
Aun Weor in his book The Perfect
Matrimony (1950), Thelema Press, also see http://www.gnosticteachings.org/.
These non-orgasmic methods shift the focus of love-making from the sexual
organs to the heart. There have been three basic ideas in the evolution of
Karezza: increasing health and wellbeing, avoiding unwanted pregnancy, and
increasing close bonding and sensual pleasure.
From time to time some health-minded individuals,
generally males, felt from their own experience that non-ejaculatory sex gave
them more energy and improved their health, while at the same time preventing
unwanted pregnancies. Their female partners were uniformly enthusiastic about
the close emotional bonding that it provided. However, this not necessarily the
case at present as many women still prefer orgasms and men are even more
strongly orgasm oriented.
The Oneida
Community
One early pioneer was John Noyes from the Yale
Divinity School. Noyes came up with the concept of Male Continence as a
consequence of his wife losing four premature children in the first six years
of their marriage. After struggling with self-imposed celibacy, he eventually
found that he as well as his wife greatly enjoyed non-ejaculatory sex. He told
friends about it, and in 1848 they founded the Oneida community in upstate New
York, which eventually grew to 250 men and women.
Intercourse without ejaculation was a cornerstone of
the Oneida Community. Young men learned self-control from post-menopausal
women. Noyes also realized some spiritual implications for Male Continence. In
order to create the Kingdom of Heaven on earth we must not only strive for reconciliation
with God, but also bring about a true union of the sexes. He even suggested that the frequent unease
after ejaculatory intercourse lies at the heart of the Judeo-Christian
association between sex and guilt.
Because of statements from some medical authorities
that non-orgasmic sex is harmful a large number of members of this community
were examined by a medical practitioner and found to be “in perfect health,
happy and in complete harmony.”
Karezza
Classics
In 1872, after more than 25 years of practice John
Humphrey Noyes published his experiences and theories in Male Continence. Two
other Karezza Classics are The Karezza Method by
J. William Lloyd (1931), and Karezza: Ethics of Marriage
by Alice Bunker Stockham, MD (1903). All of these are available as free
downloads from www.reuniting.info.
Stockham developed her method mainly to help her patients, and promoted it as producing better health, greater harmony and spiritual attainment.
She believed that sexual energy may be
directed into building bodily tissue and permeating every cell with health and
vigor. For Stockham, Karezza was a form of spiritual companionship. Partners
seek union and mutual soul development rather than fleeting passionate
gratification, but the emphasis is on loving closeness, rather than denial of
pleasure. At the appointed time and after joint meditation the couple calmly
engages in physical contact and expressions of endearment and affection,
followed by the complete, quiet union of the sexual organs.
Only the book by Dr Lloyd
has still some practical value in regard to details of the technique, while the
other two books are mainly of historical interest. But all of them relate the
great health and emotional benefits derived from this method. By the middle of
the twentieth century the practice of Karezza had greatly declined in the
United States, although related non-ejaculatory methods apparently had gained
many followers in India and Egypt.
Peace
between the Sheets
Presently Karezza enjoys a revival in the United
States and is also spreading to other countries in large part due to the
efforts of Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson. They maintain the website www.reuniting.info with a wealth of
practical, scientific and spiritual articles as well as a discussion forum and
a monthly newsletter. The basis for this work is the book Peace between the Sheets – Healing with Sexual Relationships, available
from their website.
Gary had been a long-time alcohol addict and on prescription antidepressants. Within a short time of their new sex habits he found it relatively easy to overcome these problems (although he still had some tough moments), and also Marnia’s chronic yeast infections and urinary tract infections disappeared. This book, as well as many website testimonials, shows the many health and relationship benefits of this non-orgasmic approach to making love, and Marnia also provides easy to follow instructions and exercises for beginners.
The
Method
In Karezza the emphasis is on the inner feeling
awareness as well as on the feeling of complete union with the partner. Orgasm is
avoided or at least minimized. Caresses and slow controlled movements during
intercourse generate a steady stream of sexual energy that is consciously
converted into feelings of sublime joy and love. Typically, this may continue
for an hour or more. It is not necessary for the penis to be erect or even
inside to enjoy this type of lovemaking. Part or all of the time the tip of the
penis may just touch the entrance of the vagina, or the sexual organs may not
touch at all.
Initially concentrate awareness on the sensations at
the point of contact with the partner, in the genital area and wherever the
skin or a caressing hand touches. This generates pleasant sensations, which can
now easily be converted into a loving feeling. Open your heart and send this love
to your partner. In a more active fashion you can in your imagination lead the
energy felt in the genital or pelvic area upwards to the heart. There you feel
it as love and radiate it out onto your partner, and also envelop both of you
in a cloud of love.
For many sensitive individuals this is more
satisfying than just mechanically experimenting with different positions or
chasing an elusive orgasm. You may also
lie quietly connected, just to relax and feel close, cared for and protected,
without attempting to generate any specific effects. If sleeping together, you
may develop a routine of connecting daily before going to sleep or after
awakening, or both. This may be done without moving, just to feel close to each
other, or you may sleep together skin to skin. All this is not only emotionally
satisfying, but produces strong bonding and greatly strengthens the
relationship.
A connection based on love provides a natural
increase in sexual self-control, as explained by William Lloyd: “As you acquire
the habit of giving your sexual
electricity out in blessing to your partner from your sex-organs, hands, lips,
skin, eyes and voice, you will acquire the power to satisfy yourself and her
without an orgasm. Soon you will not even think of self-control, because you
will have no desire for the orgasm, nor will she.”
Lloyd also notes the ability
of Karezza or controlled intercourse to nourish
lovers. He reports a sense of “sweet satisfaction, fullness of realization,
peace, often a physical glow and mental glamour that lasts for days, as if some
ethereal stimulant, or rather nutriment, had been received.” And, “in
successful Karezza the sex-organs become quiet, satisfied, demagnetized, as
perfectly as by the orgasm, while the rest of the body of each partner glows
with a wonderful vigor and conscious joy…tending to irradiate the whole being
with romantic love; and always with an after-feeling of health, purity and
wellbeing. We are most happy and good-humored as after a full meal.”
Part 1: THE NEUROCHEMISTRY OF SEX
Part 2: SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
Part 3: BIO-ENERGY AND SEX
Part 4: SEX AND HEALTH
Part 5: SEX AND REJUVENATION
Part 6: SEX AND SPIRITUALITY
HEALING WITH SEXUAL ENERGY – click here for a print-friendly
version or to download the whole article