by Walter Last
Strong emotions and energy flows are an integral part of sexuality and, with this, sexuality has also the potential to cause enormous problems if these emotions and energies are blocked or misdirected. Due to our social conditions, unimpeded sexuality is rare and sexual repression is the norm, so much so, that most of us do not even realise that something is wrong. We do not know what natural, free-flowing sexuality is.
I see two main factors that led to this situation in our society. One is our competitive, ego-centred and male dominated social structure and value system, and the other our restrictive religious teachings and traditions.
Sexuality is much more than having sex. It involves a wide range of feelings and emotions at all ages. In the foetus sexuality is experienced as total security, the reassuring heartbeat of the mother, the gentle rocking motion of its fluid bed and the sucking of its thumb.
For the baby sexuality means lying against a warm, soft body, feeling its love and auric energies, gently touching and suckling at a nourishing and full-blooded erect nipple. The growing infant retains this need for loving touching and gentle body contact. Later, exploring the genitals and using them to generate pleasurable feelings is as natural and important as exploring aspects of the environment. Of special importance is an intimate relationship, includving bodily contact, with the parent of the opposite sex or with his or her substitute.
With puberty sexuality bursts into the open and produces powerful longings. The awakening sexual feelings need an outlet. This is provided for the girl through romantic ideals, hero adoration and in a practical way involving religious and charitable service. Sport and nature activities provide an outlet for both sexes.
Teenage boys long for adventure, they need to develop and test their abilities by following or imitating a chosen hero or role model. These romanticised adventure activities channel the sexual energies into safe outlets conducive to inner and outer growth and social development without suppressing sexual feelings or activities. Ideally, the relationship of children and teenagers with their parents should be such that all sex-related subjects can be freely discussed and practical instructions given by the parent of the same sex.
Romantic relationships with the opposite sex remain for many years just that, romantic. This is the flowering time of erotic love with ever increasing levels of intimacy but with penetrative sex only in the later teens within the context of a loving relationship. The challenge now is to transform erotic love, which is like a straw fire, into mature lasting love for the partner. Erotic love is based on sexual attraction, while mature love is a communion in spirit. This transformation of love will allow the sexual relationship to mature more fully.
To recapitulate, we may say that during pregnancy and birth the most important aspect is being wanted. During babyhood breastfeeding and body contact are central. The growing child needs to be immersed in a loving and harmonious relationship of the whole family unit with much touching and experiencing of feelings. Then comes the time of romantic idealism for the teenager and finally the challenge to transform Eros into mature love and sex. This is the ideal of what should be our normal and natural sexual evolution.
The reality is and was so vastly different for most of us that it left an important part of our sex-related emotional development greatly impaired. Instead of this gradual, guided growth into a sexual relationship, we are expected to be asexual with severe repression of sex-related feelings and impulses until we are grown up and then overnight, without a suitable role model, become responsible and accomplished sexual partners. That is just not possible.
WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
The importance of several of these factors for normal sexual development has been demonstrated in an interesting experiment with monkeys. Immediately after birth they were separated from their mothers and raised with two substitute 'mothers'. One was a wire structure containing a food bottle with nipple and the other was with terry cloth over the wire, heated by an electric bulb inside. The young monkeys adopted the cloth-covered structure as their mother substitute and were distressed when it was temporarily removed. The bottle structure was just a feeding machine to them. All these monkeys became disturbed emotionally as well as in their behaviour when growing up and they were unable to perform the sexual act successfully on maturity. Touch was emotionally more important to them than food.
It was often worse for human infants who were raised in government institutions without even a cloth mother substitute. Most of us became blocked in our sexual-emotional development at several stages of our upbringing. One of the worst aspects for a baby is the feeling of not being wanted and especially if it experiences hostility from one or both parents.
A difficult birth, especially with forceps and glaring lights is traumatic, also surgery and a negative attitude of some of those present at birth. Even worse is the prolonged removal of the baby from the mother in most hospitals. More than anything else, babies need persistent contact with the mother or a suitable substitute for emotional security.
It is so sad that many parents take great pride in a fanciful nursery room when the baby only longs for contact with its mother. This is perceived as a rejection by the baby, being left alone with feelings of insecurity for the rest of the life. Such insecurities will later on surface again in a sexual relationship. The more secure infants feel, the sooner they will venture off on their own to explore their surroundings.
Further problems frequently arise in the 'anal' phase with too early or too severe toilet training. Instead of acquiring voluntary control of the sphincter muscle, children permanently contract the gluteal muscles and those of the pelvic floor. In later life this leads to diminished sexual energies and feelings.
Another conflict often arises between the ages of two and six when the parents suppress any manifestations of infantile sexuality. This may be in the form of touching, masturbating, displaying the genitals or it may be erotic contact with the parent of the opposite sex. Such body contact is pleasurable for the child and necessary for the identification with its body and the development of pleasurable erotic feelings for the opposite sex. Problems arise when the parent either rejects close body contact or manipulates the child for his or her own sexual desires.
Psychologists speak of an oedipal situation at the age of five or six when the child must choose between its sexual feelings and retaining the love of the parents by being a 'good' child. Most children choose to be good and suppress their sexuality. This then leads to frustration with the opposite sex in later life. Sexual feelings, like other feelings, are suppressed by tensing the muscles, especially in the pelvic area and making the body rigid.
During our school years examination anxieties greatly contribute to our general insecurities and make us more nervous and neurotic. As teenagers we often lack suitable outlets for our creative energies and romantic ideals. If our overflowing sexual energy is not transformed into creative energy in the form of sport, art or adventure, then masturbation remains as the only outlet in addition to erotic and wet dreams. This then may also lead to premature penetrative sex as an experiment or because of peer pressure, without feelings of love and sharing, so necessary for mature sex.
Because of the emotional problems of our parents most of us had to face severe emotional stresses ourselves in our childhood and now us adults are neurotic to varying degrees. I take 'neurotic' to mean that we have emotional disturbances and inhibitions that prevent us from finding fulfilment in life and specifically in our sexual relationships.
Neurosis manifests in all aspects of our personality, in our feelings and emotions, in our character structure as well as our body structure and body functions. If we have sexual problems, we also have problems in our other social relationships. Our childhood experiences lead us to the type of sexual and marriage partner we choose, the kind of sex we like or dislike, what we feel and how satisfied we are in life.
Symptoms of such sexual neurosis are manifold, such as shyness, stuttering, difficulty urinating if someone looks, fear of nudity, premature ejaculation, impotence, frigidity or generally failure to achieve full orgasm, lack of fulfilment, nymphomania and rape. Neurosis also contributes to many diseases and especially to those of the female sexual organs.
As adults we usually are completely unaware that the emotional scars from our childhood are still subconsciously active and even dominating our behaviour and decision-making. Our lower self, however, remembers fully because that is what it is made of - memories are the basis of our inner life.
If we felt deprived of something important as an infant, we will continue to feel deprived as an adult. If we felt fearful or hostile towards our mother or father, we later feel subconsciously hostile towards all men or women in a close relationship or are afraid of them. How can we have a normal, fulfilling sexual relationship or any other close relationship with someone we fear or hate subconsciously?
It is said that we can only fully love a man or a woman if we basically love all men or all women. If we are subconsciously fearful of the opposite sex, then quite naturally we develop a fear of penetration and become impotent or frigid. Strong hostility towards the mother can later lead to an inability for a man to have sex with a woman unless he humiliates her, possibly in the form of violent rape. Pornography is a fantasy outlet for many forms of sexual neurosis but it is only a poor substitute for uninhibited sexual functions.
Psychologists have devised various systems linking our childhood experiences with our sexual problems as adults. They may distinguish between the following sexual types: schizoid, oral, psychopathic, masochistic and rigid. A normal type does not seem to be part of their experience.
The schizoid type experienced emotional trauma already around birth and, therefore, did not fully connect with the body. When things become difficult, schizoids just withdraw from reality and live in fantasy. The resulting lack of body feeling and identification with the 'self' also leads to confused sexual identification, and schizoids easily become homosexual or prostitutes. Many passive lesbians are schizoid as they crave for warmth and human comfort like deprived children. The orgastic potency is usually very low, that is the ability to reach a full orgasm.
The oral type is widespread because of the general abandonment of breastfeeding in our society. The baby felt abandoned and sex is sought mainly for closeness and contact, similar to the schizoid type. The breast is worshipped and oral sex enjoyed. Sexual relationships as well as sexual functions remain immature. Also anal sex is related to the oral phase. Sensuality, superficial feelings that make us feel good, are used as a substitute for orgastic sexuality, but cannot achieve a deep emotional energy release.
The psychopathic type evolved from a child that felt it had to manipulate the parent of the opposite sex to get what it wanted. In later life the need to be taken care of is achieved either through bullying or seduction. Sex is often hostile with much fantasy. Feelings of contempt for the partner cover suppressed feelings of inferiority. Sexuality is used to control, to conquer and dominate, pleasure is secondary. Often the behaviour in a relationship is irresponsible.
The masochistic type evolved from domineering parents who crushed the child's creativity and self-respect. This lack of self-worth is expressed in a sexual relationship as a need to be humiliated. Sexual excitement can be gained from inflicted pain. The masochistic male may have a problem achieving ejaculation.
While most neurotic individuals have various rigidities, these are especially prevalent in the rigid type. The child suppressed sexual and other tender feelings in response to a perceived rejection by the parent of the opposite sex, generally an emotionally cold parent who did not tenderly touch or cuddle the child. The child learned not to cry or show emotions. The rigid adult chooses sex over love and is a sex performer without deep feelings and greatly decreased orgastic potency. Sexual activity is compulsive and mechanical, performance provides ego satisfaction, emotional warmth and physical closeness are avoided.
Commonly we combine features of several types in our sexual make-up but with one type being dominant. In the way we resolved the Oedipus complex as a child or the relationship with the parent of the opposite sex, we assume different sexual roles as an adult. We may either act as a son or daughter, as a sister or brother, as hero, sweetheart or romantic ideal, as a father or mother figure. However, if we have resolved the problem in a natural way, we act as a mature adult, encompassing all roles and playing each one as appropriate.
If the relationship of a girl with her father remains emotionally unresolved, then as an adult she tends to act mainly on the daughter level, looking for a father figure and easily becoming just a sex object in danger of drifting into prostitution.
If the girl channelled her sexual feelings into sympathy for the father, she may play the role of sister and see herself as companion and helpmate of her man, wanting to share everything, but sexual contact remains relatively unimportant and unexciting.
If the sexual feelings for the father have not been suppressed as with the sister type, but just held back, the romantic type emerges, emotionally the eternal virgin, teasing but not wanting to be possessed by a man. She likes flirting, as she needs romantic excitement but has a problem combining love with sex. Because of resulting emotional conflicts, this type is psychologically also called the hysterical type.
The girl who matures too early by replacing sexual feelings for her father with motherly instincts later becomes a mother type with little sexual interest. She becomes attracted to immature males of the son-type whom she can mother.
Each type has an unresolved conflict, the daughter type between acceptance and rejection of herself, the sister type between passivity and aggression, the romantic type between surrender and resistance and the mother type between submission and dominance.
In the male the conflict of the son type is between acceptance and rejection of himself, he is the playboy type, immature and irresponsible. The brother type assumes the role of protector, his conflict is between aggression to protect the woman and passivity or inability to satisfy his own needs. The conflict of the Casanova-like hero or knight type is between emotional surrender and resistance to the female, while the authoritative father type is torn between dominance and submission.
There is a popular misconception that if a man ejaculates or a woman has pleasurable feelings at the height of the sexual act that this is an orgasm. It is not necessarily so, at least in the view of bio-energetic psychology. Usually there is just a climax with more or less of an orgastic component.
A full orgasm may be described about as follows: With climax approaching, the formerly voluntary body movements suddenly become involuntary with a strong increase in genital sensations. Just before the discharge, melting sensations are felt in the pelvis.
Orgasm starts with a strong contraction around the base of the penis and the opening of the vagina. A flood of feelings rushes downwards while the whole body convulses in unison with each involuntary forward swing of the pelvis. Now the whole body is engulfed in melting and streaming sensations. Ejaculation takes place in pulsating squirts. There may be a sensation of flying or spinning or something similar at the hight of the orgasm. Afterwards there is a full relaxation with an inner glowing and a feeling of utter satisfaction and contentment.
In order to achieve such a full orgasm, there must be a sufficient build-up of sexual energy beforehand. If the body is generally low in energy, if the energy flow is blocked through armouring or if there is insufficient foreplay or feeling awareness, then there will be only a low charge of sexual energy in the pelvis and consequently a weak discharge of energy and feelings.
A strong field of sexual energy in one partner will help the other to achieve a greater charge, if both are fully charged they will greatly increase each other's orgasm. Conversely, with a weakly charged partner or with masturbation our orgastic feelings will be diminished, usually also with oral sex, as close contact of the fully charged genital areas is required for maximal potential.
A strong sexual charge consists not only of sexual energies, but also of feeling energies. Normally, tender, loving feelings towards each other greatly help to increase our sexual charge. As an emergency measure when such tender feelings are blocked, some can achieve the necessary emotional excitement with sadistic or masochistic measures, sometimes just with a fantasy of raping or being raped. Also various forms of pornography are used as a substitute, usually an inadequate one, for tender, loving feelings.
With strong, loving feelings, on the other hand, an almost irresistible desire may build up to melt into each other. The sexual charge and physical union then follow as a natural consequence. This will automatically lead to a true and full orgasm. For a woman who has difficulty coming to an orgasm it may be made easier if her partner positions himself on top somewhat higher than usual so that their navels meet. With this, the shaft of the penis will rub or press during movement inside the vagina in addition also on the clitoris.
Kinsey investigated a large number of American males and found six types of climax, none of which approached a natural, full orgasm as described before. However, such a full orgasm is possible after overcoming bodily rigidities and emotional inhibitions, and it is a 'natural' for more 'primitive' races without sexual inhibitions.
The most common and obvious signs of only a partial orgasm are:
1) a clitoral rather than a deep vaginal climax;
2) feelings confined to the sexual organs rather than full body feelings of melting;
3) inhibition of movements, especially of the involuntary convulsive movements;
4) inhibition of spontaneous sound expressions;
5) ejaculation without pulsating squirts;
6) premature ejaculation or continuing sex after ejaculation;
7) lack of complete relaxation and satisfaction after the climax.
As a general rule, we may say that the less the climax is associated with pleasurable streamings and whole body feelings, and the more it is confined to the sexual area only, the less it is a real orgasm but rather just a low-energy mechanical discharge.
Wilhelm Reich was the first to describe the negative consequences of blocked sexual energies and the nature and purpose of the orgasm as a discharge of excess bio-energy with the additional liberation of feeling energy.
Unfortunately, in addition to exciting peaks, orgasms tend to produce powerful negative side-effects that are only now becoming more widely recognized. This is due to rigidly controlled hormonal activity which seems to be the same in all mammals to ensure certain evolutionary objectives. These objectives are a wide mixing of gene pools and the safe raising of offspring. This is achieved with the following hormonal changes.
The main hormonal players are dopamine, prolactin and androgen receptor levels, which powerfully affect our mood, our desire for intimacy, our perception of our mate, as well as our susceptibility to addictive activities and substances. When we are aroused our dopamine level rises. At a neurochemical level, falling in love is like taking recreational drugs. At the time of orgasm we have a dopamine brainstorm that is just like a dose of heroin. Afterwards dopamine levels fall sharply with the usual withdrawal symptoms. This reaction tends to be immediate in males and delayed in females.
At the same time prolactin levels rise and androgen receptors fall. This disturbed hormone equilibrium lasts up to two weeks for females but less for males. During this time we may be more irritable, dissatisfied, anxious or depressed, and instead of seeing the good side of our mate, we are now painfully aware of his or her shortcomings. This is exactly the same process and length of time these hormones need to recover after a cocaine hit.
Initially, during the honeymoon period of our relationship, we quickly overcome our hormonal blues by having more sex. This leads to rapid rises and falls in dopamine levels and corresponding rapid emotional fluctuations in our relationship. Later we become less and less interested in sex with our partner, and now we try to prop up our dopamine level by becoming addicted to some kind of food or drug, or by becoming interested in a new sexual partner. Basically this type of behavior is the same for humans, primates, mammals and reptiles because it originates from the primitive part of our brain.
There is, however, a hormone that counteracts the negative effects of the dopamine rollercoaster, and that is oxytocin, the cuddle-hormone. Oxytocin leads to strong pair-bonding. In pair-bonded animals the dopamine rollercoaster stops after successful mating, and now oxytocin ensures that both parents cooperate for the survival of their offspring. Humans could do the same, mate only to produce offspring and then abstain from sex. This might produce an emotionally stable relationship for life, but most of us would also find it utterly boring.
The time-honored solution to this problem is loving sex without orgasm. This greatly increases oxytocin levels without producing emotionally disruptive dopamine, and it has been practiced in Indian Tantra, by the Taoists, and apparently by early Christians. In modern times it has been resurrected as Karezza and various forms of spiritual sex. It heals and holds relationships together rather than driving them apart as frequent orgasmic sex seems to do, and it also prevents unwanted pregnancies. For more information see Spiritual Sex. For a wealth of articles on the hormonal aspects of our sexuality see www.reuniting.info.
Healing our sexuality means freeing up our blocked energy flows and overcoming subconscious negative conditioning by replacing it with positive feelings and attitudes about our sexuality.
In order to remove the energy blockages we need to relax our permanently tensed or armoured muscles, especially in the thighs and the pelvic area, but also in the neck and jaw. Bio-energetic exercises are excellent for this purpose. These include shaking and vibrating the legs, the pelvis and the whole body; stretching exercises, circling the hips, pelvic thrusts, kicking and bicycling exercises, the '5 rites of rejuvenation' and other yoga exercises.
With the moving exercises, such as circling, bicycling and pelvic thrusts the aim is not to train and strengthen these muscles, but rather to move them to exhaustion, which in turn will induce relaxation when stopping the exercise. During the exercise we try to break through the pain threshold and may then be rewarded with previously unknown pleasurable sensations in the pelvic area.
Another aspect is to exhale through the mouth during these exercises and fully express the spontaneously forming sounds, such as moaning, crying or shouting. Other important measures are deep tissue massage and just pressing into tense muscles, also reflexology can help as well as tracing acupuncture meridians. For some of these, such as pressing into tight muscles, deep muscle massage as well as various emotional therapies the cooperation of a friend may be required. Alternatively, professional help may be used.
A good exercise that can be done anytime, sitting, standing or lying down, is rhythmically squeezing the buttocks. At other times just squeeze the pelvic floor between anus and penis or vagina ever so lightly while concentrating your awareness on the developing pleasurable feeling. The same can be felt during slow walking or even while driving in a car. If you have problems with erections, rhythmically and strongly squeeze towards the base of the penis.
IMPROVING OUR FEELINGS
Feelings are really what a sexual relationship is all about. The more we are able to feel and express our feelings, the more satisfying is not only our sexual activity but our life in general. If we are fearful or shy about some aspects of sex, we will be fearful or shy in other aspects of our life as well. Our sexual feelings reflect our emotional health in general and vice versa.
Often our most basic subconscious feeling related to sex is fear. Out of this may arise anger, hate and hostility. All of these negative feelings remain normally suppressed and subconscious. After all, it was not acceptable to feel this way as a child towards the parents and it is not acceptable now with a sexual partner.
It would have been easy to have open feelings of fear or hostility towards a parent if we had been obviously mistreated. However, what is a young boy to do if his mother is loving and sacrificing and he has sexual feelings for her. He wants to be cuddled and touched but the mother is always too busy caring for the family. He has to suppress his longing for caressing tenderness. He may then come to fear these sexual feelings for his mother because they remain unfulfilled and make him unhappy. This may later translate into a subconscious fear of close emotional contact in a relationship.
On the conscious level we are kind and loving to our partner as we were to our mother or father. However, subconsciously we may feel the opposite because a man's lower self now equates the sexual memories concerning his mother with his feeling for all sexually attractive women. In the same way, a woman may equate the memory of the sexual feelings for her father with her feelings for all sexually attractive men.
This deep emotional split between our conscious and our subconscious mind will result in an emotional or organic dysfunction. We may thus develop frigidity or fear of penetration, premature ejaculation, impotence, homosexuality and any other form of sexual disorder. This split explains the observation that 'nice men' are often poor lovers.
In order to heal our split emotions and sexual feelings, we must break through the superficial layer of being nice and contact our suppressed core feelings. This is not easy but can be done with methods such as emotional release therapies involving intentional kicking, hitting and screaming, crying or shouting. Even just pressing into tense muscles may produce strong emotional reactions. In addition, regression therapy or rebirthing will be helpful as well as the services of an experienced psychic healer or bio-energetic therapist or attending body-mind workshops.
After most of the suppressed emotional pain has been contacted and released, positive attitudes and feelings can be generated with guided imagery, meditation, creative refocussing and other methods to heal the emotional wound. An understanding partner will greatly speed up this process. If, on the other hand, we just use meditation and other methods to generate positive feelings without releasing the suppressed core, then we will reinforce the superficial layer of 'niceness'. This, in turn may then intensify our inner emotional split and, with this, our organic disabilities and sexual dysfunctions.
This also shows how to raise our children without this emotional split. We must be loving, honest and open with our sexual feelings and fulfil the child's emotional needs appropriate to its age. The baby needs plenty of body contact, including sleeping in contact with the mother. Breastfeeding should be extended to more than six months and continue more sporadically for a long time afterwards.
Why not let infants watch our love play? That is how they learn. The growing child continues to need a lot of cuddling and touching. If a parent feels a sexual excitement when cuddling a child, then this should be converted into a feeling of love and radiated back onto the child. Teach the child that there is nothing dirty or shameful about a naked body. However, we also need to let the child know the difference of what is appropriate in public and in private.
For society as a whole I see two possibilities for adopting a healthy attitude towards under-age sexuality, both have been used by various more enlightened cultures or tribes in the past. One is complete openness in sexual matters, letting children watch loving sexual activity of adults without any restriction. This is nature's way as practised in the animal kingdom. This does not necessarily lead to unwanted pregnancies as shown by the example of the Trobriand Islanders given in my article on Healing Social Relationships.
The other possibility is to lead the juvenile sexuality towards striving for high ideals within the context of a loving and caring society. Older children are given practical instructions in non-genital sexual activities as part of school-related life-skills courses. At a given age or stage of sexual development, teenagers are formally initiated into sacred genital sex. The successful end of this sexual training may be marked by an individual or group ceremony. With this they are now regarded as young adults, and have unrestricted choice of partners. This method has often been practised in tribal societies. How it all works out depends on the customs of society and the examples shown by the individual members of society.
FOOD FOR SEX
We cannot have a good sex life if we are malnourished. Certain nutrients improve the sexual potency in general, while others are lost for the male with the seminal fluid but may then become available to the female. Therefore, good nutrition for good sex is more important for the male than for the female
High-quality proteins are part of the seminal fluid and a high protein diet is sexually stimulating. In our culture meat is preferred while in the Orient chickpeas are used to improve sexual performance. The highest reputation has free-range raw egg yolk, especially fertilised and very fresh. It supplies sulphur compounds that are also high in the semen. However, even more effective than egg yolk is raw minced meat.
Histamine is produced from histidine, an amino acid. Individuals with an insensitive skin are low in histamine and may have difficulty achieving ejaculation in the male or orgasm in the female as the sexual organs are less sensitive than normal. The acclaimed sexual stamina of Negro males may largely be attributed to their low histamine levels.
High histamine levels have the opposite effect. They sensitise not only the skin but also the sexual organs and may lead to sexual over-stimulation, premature ejaculation and vaginitis. Histamine levels can be elevated by making the body more acid, as well as by supplementation with folic acid and niacin, both B-group vitamins. Histamine levels can be reduced by making the body more alkaline and avoiding foods and chemicals to which we are allergic.
The seminal fluid is also high in zinc and requires much vitamin B6 and omega-3 fatty acids, which are found in fish oils and linseed oil. Deficiency of these is widespread, especially in teenage boys with frequent loss of seminal fluid. The same deficiency is common in schizophrenia. It starts most frequently in teenage boys. I believe that there is a causal connection.
Formerly doctors maintained that excessive masturbation could lead to insanity. They may have been right after all, although modern medicine dismisses this as a myth. It is also a scientific fact that zinc deficiency leads to underdeveloped male sexual organs and later in life to enlargement of the prostate gland. By pointing out these connections I do not want to condemn masturbation but rather improve nutritional awareness.
In recent years it has been discovered that the body forms nitric oxide from the amino acid arginine as a signal for the blood vessels of the penis to relax. This is necessary so that the penis can fill with blood and have an erection. Also magnesium supplements help to relax. Stress, on the other hand, or being emotionally uptight, prevents this necessary relaxation and, with this, an erection.
Various herbs and alkaloids have traditionally been used to improve various sexual functions. My favourite for improving and balancing the endocrine system in general and sexual hormones in particular is Maca (botanical name Lepidium meyenii). It appears to be more effective than Wild Yam and is especially helpful with age-related sexual problems. Boron as in borax has been shown to improve and balance our levels of sex hormones. Frequently used to improve sexual functions is Tribulus terrestris.
Females, too, have their share of trouble with their sexual organs. Foremost of these are menstrual problems and pelvic infections. Both problems have much to do with food, especially the other end of it, constipation to be exact.
The constipated colon and in particular the rectum is a cesspool of toxic decomposition products with a high content of harmful microbes. Both, toxins as well as microbes can penetrate the wall of the colon. Because of the close proximity to the uterus and ovaries, these are in greatest danger of being contaminated.
The main effect of toxic contamination is heavy menstrual bleeding with pain and other discomfort. Microbial contamination leads to infection and inflammation of the pelvic organs. Both conditions are not conducive to a healthy sex life.
Meat consumption, combined with constipation, produces the most toxic bowel conditions and the heaviest periods. The obvious solution is a clean colon. This can be achieved with three relatively easy methods, preferably use all three.
One method is to have plenty of dietary fibre in the form of whole grains, fruit and vegetables with many of these uncooked. Add sufficient freshly ground linseed to meals or drink with fluid to achieve ideally one bowel movement for each meal. Secondly, take cultures of acidophilus and bifidus bacteria and thirdly, use a high footstool when using the toilet or squat in order to achieve an easier and more complete bowel evacuation.
I actually believe that the typical menstrual bleeding is unnatural and caused by an impure bloodstream which delays healing of the wound caused by discarding the lining of the uterus. Neither the higher mammals have such obvious periodic bleeding nor women who live habitually on a mainly raw-food vegetarian diet. They just reabsorb the shed uterus lining. These women do not have any menstrual or menopausal discomfort but ovulate nevertheless and conceive normally. I can confirm such published reports from my own observations.
A clinical study found that taking plenty of ground linseed or linseed oil helps postmenopausal women to have better vaginal lubrication, fish oil is also good. Folic acid, in combination with antioxidants, is most important for preventing or reversing pre-cancerous and cancerous conditions of the cervix and uterus. Maca and Vitex (Chaste Tree) may be beneficial with most female menstrual and sexual problems. Also frequently used are Black Cohosh and Dong Quai.
Selenium in combination with the amino acid methionine (e.g. as selenium yeast) and vitamin E are effective against periodic breast pain and swelling. Vitamin B6 with zinc and magnesium are good against premenstrual tension, especially if also salt, sugar and fatty food are minimised or avoided and hidden food allergies corrected. A high intake of iodine helps to prevent or dissolve cysts as in breasts, ovaries, uterus and bladder. Taking good care of our body will increase the pleasure that we derive from our sexuality.
Another common problem is vaginal Candida infection resulting in thrush and potentially painful intercourse. This is commonly associated with intestinal Candidiasis. In this case the woman as well as her partner need to go on a long-term strict anti-Candida program, for an outline see Candida and the Antibiotic Syndrome, and for a more detailed program The Ultimate Cleanse or OVERCOMING CANDIDA. Most effective for local treatment is to insert a capsule filled with borax for several nights. When making love while there is still some Candida problem in and around the vagina lubricate liberally with oil and possibly squirt some acidophilus yoghurt into the vagina beforehand. Minimise strong movements and focus instead on feeling the energies with only gentle movements and pressure changes; also see Karezza in Spiritual Sex.
Finally, while not recommended to prevent pregnancy, if there has been an unintended ejaculation or even the possibility of it, then it will greatly reduce the risk of conception if the woman douches immediately with diluted vinegar or lemon juice, or possibly just inserts a tampon soaked in diluted acid, as acids tend to kill the sperm.
'Making love' commonly is just a polite expression for having sex without feeling love. One can have a loving sexual relationship for just one night or a lifelong sexual relationship without love. For maximal emotional satisfaction try to make, feel and express love with each sexual encounter. It is said that the most important sexual organ of a woman is her brain and I would add that the heart is of equal importance.
Kinsey reported on the sexuality of the American male that about three quarters reach ejaculation within two minutes after the initiation of sexual relations and frequently ten to twenty seconds after penetration. Luckily for women, things appear to have improved since the Kinsey report in 1948, but many still remain dissatisfied with the undue haste of their man.
Loving foreplay is part of the romance, stimulating the heart as well as the right side of the brain. This is not only important for women but increasingly also for men once they are no longer full of youthful vigour.
Not only women but also many men enjoy and need to be played with to get 'into the mood'. Increasingly, they come to resent the perception that they are expected to 'perform'. They feel that they have to do all the work, first enticing a woman into bed, excitedly undressing her, then stimulating her to get her ready, then 'hopping on' and finally make her come. Women, on the other hand, resent being made to feel just as sexual objects.
There is often so much hidden fear and misunderstanding on both sides. Therefore, take it easy, there is neither need to hurry nor to perform. Talk to each other about what you like and how you like it. Make each other comfortable and dispel any notion that he has to perform or she has to have an orgasm. This is important even if you are already in a long-term relationship together.
Not every time you have a sexual play you need to penetrate and not every time you have penetrative sex you need to aim for an orgasm. If you do want an orgasm, there is nothing wrong with having a clitoral orgasm but try to aim also for a vaginal orgasm.
To increase the flow of energies and feelings enhance pelvic movements by rhythmically tensing and relaxing all the muscles between the knees and the lower back. Intentionally make expressive sounds wherever this can be done in privacy.
While different positions and movements can offer different experiences, they are less important than achieving a union of feelings. Do not try to increase your pleasure with fantasies, go for the real thing instead. Focus your full attention on your own feelings and on feeling united with your partner. Fantasising of having sex with someone else is just like another form of masturbation.
For some men it may be preferable to delay ejaculation to either extend the pleasure or give their partner time to build up towards the climax. This may be done by playful interruptions, by slowing the breath, or temporarily even holding the breath, by concentrating the feeling awareness on the heart or, with the penis fully inserted, keeping in close contact with the pubic areas, increasing and decreasing pressure in unison while not moving the penis.
A somewhat drastic but nevertheless effective method of preventing ejaculation, is to tense the whole body while also holding the breath. Alternatively, strong finger pressure on the perineum just before ejaculation will keep the ejaculate inside the body. This may require some practise as with all of these techniques. However, if the climax is definitely approaching, do not try to suppress it but start moving vigorously for a full orgasm. Suppressing ejaculation repeatedly by tensing all muscles may lead to persistent muscle tension in the pelvic area. A better method is to prevent ejaculation by deliberately remaining very relaxed with slow breathing and focusing on the heart or forehead center.
The frequency of intercourse is, of course, a highly individual matter. Normally I see no reason to restrict sexual play if it does not involve either ejaculation or suppression of sexual impulses. However the orgastic potential is usually much stronger after a period of total abstention or separation.
From a bio-energetic point of view females are much better able to have several lovers than males who would either have to neglect one or become worn out. However, I believe that even for females moderation leads to greater wellbeing. I also believe that the difficulty of many women to achieve vaginal orgasm has much to do with our somewhat unnatural habit of mating all year-round just for pleasure. Female animals have days when they are in heat and strongly attract males for mating. The same may be natural for humans.
Around ovulation time a healthy woman who abstained for a month will have a strong orgastic potential and her biochemistry and the whole body are geared to receive a male. If there are no strong emotional blockages, she may find it easier to have a vaginal orgasm, even after only short but vigorous penetration.
Frequent intercourse causes even more problems for men. While an occasional full orgasm can be strongly invigorating, frequent ejaculation is decidedly weakening, especially for men low in overall energy. If a man is sexually overstimulated, he should better remove the nutritional and biochemical causes and find other creative outlets for his energy. I have the impression that gluten allergy, often associated with a rather whitish inner iris, sometimes may be able to cause over-stimulation of the sex centre in the brain, synthetic food colourings and possibly other chemicals may do the same. Such over-stimulation can lead to excessive masturbation with several ejaculations every day. The basic cause is the same as with drug addictions or any other addictions - to stimulate and experience the release of dopamine. Generally it is much healthier to have fewer ejaculations with strong orgasms than frequent ejaculations with weak orgasms.
In teenagers frequent ejaculation may impair the mental and physical development while in later life sexual overactivity makes us susceptible to diseases and premature ageing. What is 'frequent' depends very much on the individual's constitution and commitments. For a healthy and strong young man habitually having several ejaculations per week may be invigorating but that might be too much for someone much older or with a weaker constitution.
In a long-term relationship I see the ideal in having only sensuous and spiritual sex plays for most of the month and orgastic intercourse close to ovulation, as often as desired. A female in touch with her body will feel when the time is right and let her partner know. Unfortunately, this also is the time with the highest risk of conception, and therefore is not suitable without a safe contraceptive.
For those without a sexual partner the obvious choices are masturbation or abstinence. For masturbation the same principles apply as for making love. That is to aim for fewer climaxes but with stronger orgastic releases. For both sexes this means waiting with masturbation until one feels a strong charge of sexual energy and using pelvic movements, sound and feeling awareness to ensure a strong orgasmic discharge. For males an ancient secret practise to improve sexual energy is the swallowing of one's ejaculate, see http://sacredsemen.com/.
For celibates an easy solution is a low-protein diet with few spices and condiments. This may be suitable if there is sexual over-stimulation due to too much histamine from over-acidity or food allergy, but otherwise I am not in favour of this low energy approach. Rather I believe in making ourselves as energetic as possible, including plenty of sexual energy, but learning to channel this sexual energy into creative outlets, such as healing, sports, charity work or arts.
An alternative is the following 'rejuvenation rite' which is supposedly from a Tibetan monastery where rejuvenation of the body was successfully practised. This rite was used in combination with several other rites as shown in 'The Eye of Revelation' by Peter Kelder. Also a daily raw egg yolk is recommended for those of us who are no longer youthful in order to increase the sexual energies.
When sexually excited, stand and bend over with your hands on the knees and push all the air out of your lungs. Then straighten up and with the hands on the hips push up the shoulders. Pull the stomach in and up and hold this position as long as possible. Then forcefully inhale through the nose and exhale immediately through the mouth. The arms may now hang to the sides while you take further deep breaths through the nose or the mouth. If you are still sexually excited, repeat the same procedure as often as necessary.
What many singles and especially women miss even more than sex is touching and hugging. Some try to satisfy this need with regular massage therapy. However, there may be a simple solution. If you feel deprived of touching and hugging just form a local "hug club". Either discretely spread the word around or put a notice in a suitable place asking for interested individuals to contact you. You can then arrange a weekly meeting where you just hug for an hour or two. As a follow-up step you may also give each other massages. You may be surprised by the amount of interest in hugging 'out there'. You may also form or join a healing group where hugging may be practiced together with massaging, reflexology and the multitude of other self-healing techniques available.
Eventually you may also want to experiment with Karezza and meditative forms of hugging as described in the separate article Spiritual Sex. Sexual energy may be used in spiritual sex to energize the higher energy centers or heal diseased organs with guided imagery or meditation exercises, possibly leading to 'whole body orgasm' or 'brain orgasm'.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
Sensitive individuals are often apprehensive about the first sexual encounter with a new partner. The man may have anxieties about erection, premature ejaculation and satisfying his partner, while the women may fear penetration, getting emotionally hurt or not coming to an orgasm. This can make the encounter rather tense, and inner fears may become self-fulfilling.
Why not proceed slowly and be intimate without intercourse until you are fully relaxed with each other. This initial period of a relationship is precious, as it is commonly the most exciting and romantic time. Enjoy it as long as you can. Let your partner know that you feel this way. In a situation that might normally lead straight to sex, tell your partner beforehand that you enjoy becoming intimate gradually and do not intend having intercourse that night. You may be surprised how relieved and agreeable your partner reacts. A whole mountain of tension is suddenly removed.
A good way to start the intimate part of your relationship is to have a shower or bath together and then give each other a sensual massage. Continue exploring each other's likes and dislikes and responses to touching and cuddling. You may even spend the night together cuddled into each other. If, contrary to your original intentions, you should be comfortable enough with each other to proceed to full intercourse, nothing is lost and it will probably be a better experience than it might have been in a tense atmosphere.
Such intimacy together without penetrative sex may be quite satisfying for a considerable length of time, especially in special situations, such as with elderly couples or with physical or emotional handicaps or religious, spiritual and adolescent celibates. A sexual relationship does not need to be an all or nothing proposition, the macho encounters commonly portrayed on the screen are not everyday reality. A loving sexual encounter without expectations cannot result in dissatisfaction, it does not matter whether there was penetration or orgasm, it is the loving feeling that matter most.
Sexuality is closely related to spirituality in several ways. In its negative aspects of lust, sexual excess, degradation and rape, it appears as the antithesis of spirituality and in this light it has been seen in the Christian tradition. However, in its positive aspects our sexuality can open our heart to love and enables us to have experiences similar to meditative states and mystical bliss during or instead of an orgasm and its afterglow. In a less obvious and more involved way sexual energies can be channelled upward to develop our chakra system and higher energy bodies which, according to esoteric and yoga teachings, is part of our spiritual evolution.
The idea of celibacy for priests, nuns and monks is to spiritualise sexual energies as in meditation, rituals and other devotional practices. While this generally involves conscious exercises as in yoga, Christian mystics commonly transformed their energies without conscious awareness through intense devotion. If religious celibates fight to suppress their sexuality, they misunderstand the deeper reason for the practice of celibacy and block their spiritual evolution on that level.
There are various yoga and meditation techniques to transform sexual energy into kundalini or spiritual energy by oneself. However, there are also methods of spiritual sex for couples. Karezza is a western practice that can be adopted for spiritual sex, while in the east tantric yoga is concerned with the transmutation of sexual energies. There has also been a tradition of temple priestesses in Greece and eastern history who helped spiritual seekers with ceremonial sex. On a different level ceremonial sex has, of course, also been used in various cults.
Sexual energy is a part of our hidden kundalini energy, which in turn is a concentrated form of etheric and life-force energy. It can be used to create children or just to have an orgasm or to fuel achievements in sports or professional activities. However, its ultimate purpose is to facilitate spiritual growth by developing our chakra system and higher energy bodies.
Commonly esoteric teachings advise to curtail sexual activity and portray abstinence as an ideal in order to retain sexual energies for internal development. However, this can easily lead to suppression of sexual energies and emotional deprivation. Methods of spiritual sex show a middle path between abstinence and conventional sex. In many instances I believe them to be superior to abstinence for developing our higher energy centers. They have the added advantage of satisfying our emotional needs and providing the venue for a joint spiritual venture for couples. For more detailed suggestions on spiritual sex see the separate article Spiritual Sex.
A SEX THERAPY
It is not generally realised that many health and emotional problems can result from unsatisfactory sexual relationships. These include migraine and tension headaches, premenstrual tension and menopausal problems, depression, irritability, discontent, violence, anxiety, disturbances of digestive and sexual functions, psychotic symptoms, high blood pressure, even cancer has been linked to blocked sexual energies and tensions. All of these may, of course, also have other causes and contributing factors.
Problems arise mainly when sexual energies are stimulated without being appropriately used or released. This is the same as with other emotional energies. Commonly this happens if the male ejaculates before his partner reaches orgasm, but it also happens if the orgasmic release is weak or the encounter too short. The signs of a full orgasm are strong involuntary movements, a blissful discharge followed by complete relaxation and an afterglow of satisfaction and contentment.
Ejaculation in itself or clitoral orgasm do not indicate a full release of sexual tension. There may then be the desire either for repeated or frequent sexual activity or avoidance of sexual activity in order to avoid the resulting tension and dissatisfaction. However, orgasm is only part of a successful sexual union, another part, perhaps even more important, is the exchange of bio-energy and emotional energy between the partners.
Accumulation of sexual tension with its resulting health and emotional problems can be prevented even without orgasm, while orgasm alone may not normally be sufficient. The key to a successful sexual union is the duration, because it takes time, usually about half an hour, for these energies to become exchanged between the partners. This kind of sex therapy is not only effective but also highly pleasurable, especially for sensitive individuals.
Sex therapy requires two willing partners. Preferably there should be an atmosphere of affection already well before the planned union. This should start with an extended foreplay of caressing with full skin contact, possibly including a sensual massage, but without any clitoral stimulation. However, if this kind of union is routinely practised as a love meditation, then such elaborate preparation may not be required.
When both feel ready they place themselves in such a position that the woman lies on her back with knees drawn to the chest, while the male lies on his left side crosswise to her, so that his penis touches the entrance of the vagina. She now drops her legs and he places his right leg between her legs. With this, her left leg is between his legs while her right calf rests on his torso. In this way both can remain completely relaxed with freedom of movement, which is essential for success. Sides may be reversed. This is the scissor position or basic position.
Initially and also if there is a problem with erection or natural lubrication or premature ejaculation, both partners remain more or less motionless in this position for about half an hour. During this time the tip of the penis, whether soft or hard, remains outside, just touching the inner entrance of the vagina. Both concentrate all their attention on the contact areas between them but especially on the sensation in their sexual organs and the exchange of subtle energies between them.
To initiate or greatly increase the feeling awareness of pleasurable sexual energy, both partners may gently and rhythmically squeeze their buttocks or just contract the perineum. Coordinate each gentle pelvic contraction with an inhalation and with each other. After about half an hour the sexual energies are sufficiently exchanged, sometimes noticed as an increase in sexual arousal and the penis may now penetrate. However, this is not essential. If there should be no erection or the vagina still dry, just remain in this position for another half hour while gently caressing each other with full attention on your feelings and exchanging energies.
If penetration is desired but an erection does not come on its own, then start gently rubbing the head of the penis between the entrance and the clitoris. It needs to be moist, use lubricants if required. This is even more effective if the female partner in this way plays with the penis and inserts it while the male just relaxes and focuses only on feeling the sexual energy.
If this is not sufficient, it is relatively easy in this position to insert a soft penis. This may be a solution for those with erection problems. If you firmly hold or squeeze the shaft of the soft penis, then any blood is pressed towards the head of the penis and insertion will be easier. Once inside, gentle movements by both partners increase the chance of a partial or full erection.
A common method for achieving and maintaining an erection is by tying a wide strip of cotton firmly but not too tight several times around the base of the penis between the scrotum and the anus. Also adjustable wide rubber bands are offered on the Internet that are somewhat loose when the penis is soft and become tight during an erection. This reduces the outflow of blood and makes it easier to maintain an erection. Normally the penis fills with blood during sexual excitement by increasing the inflow and reducing the outflow. When blood vessels become weak, commonly with advancing age, the outlet vessels do not sufficiently contract, too much blood flows out, and an erection cannot be achieved or maintained.
Even without an erection, focusing the awareness on the contact within the vagina combined with slight pressure changes at the pubic areas or with gentle pelvic contractions can be sufficiently satisfying and may eventually lead to more. It also helps if the female partner can contract the muscles of the vaginal entrance. However, gently liberating and feeling your sexual energies is more important for your wellbeing then chasing an elusive erection or orgasm.
After penetration continue to move slowly and concentrate on the sensations in the sexual organs and the flow of energy and feelings between your bodies. If both partners are sufficiently aroused after a prolonged foreplay, the vagina is well lubricated and the male able to delay ejaculation, then the half hour waiting time outside the vagina is not necessary and immediate penetration acceptable. Should ejaculation occur early then just remain close together with the soft penis inside the vagina until about half an hour has passed from the time of penetration.
With such a complete exchange of male and female energies combined with a full orgasm, there is usually no desire for another sexual union for several days, and it is actually best to wait until the full potential of sexual energies is restored. The following union will then be more pleasant and satisfying then with more frequent encounters. It is, however, relaxing to sleep together with bodily contact.
The alternative to orgasms is a deliberate choice to use this union as a love meditation. You may just continue moving slowly while caressing each other for hours while concentrating on feeling the energies and radiating feelings of love onto each other. If this Karezza type of union is practised routinely as love meditation or spiritual sex, then an elaborate foreplay to build up a strong sexual charge is not necessary but may be used if so desired. Condoms inhibit the exchange of sexual energies, while lubricating oils or jellies slow it down, but this is not a problem when remaining connected for a long time.
It may take some time and require several attempts to master this method and achieve a maximum of enjoyment but it is well worth the effort in terms of improved health and personal relationships. See also the related article Healing Social Relationships.